It has often been said that “to unlock the true creativity in one's mind and soul, all they need is a doobie to roll”. Well, with the deep pockets of Dreamworks, they can afford doobies for all, and voluminous amounts of glue to sniff in all bathroom stalls. With crack provided free, and mushrooms galore, did Dreamworks create the worlds most expensive bore!

Ok, ok, a poet I IS NOT, but believe me when I say this, Shrek The Third has made me DISTRAUGHT.

Why the drug references? Because you'd have to be high to allow anyone in the general public to see an embarrassment like this. You'd have to be REALLY high.

I found myself completely out of touch with all of our characters. Donkey is no longer funny. Puss in Boots has nothing to say worth listening to. Shrek has NO famous one-liners. Fiona and the Queen said something, but I am sure it was fewer than 2 dozen words between them. I know that this movie had a beginning (Where ALL the funny clips from the previews are shown), and I know it had an end. Since I was both asleep and violently ill at the same time watching what was in between, I really don't think there was a middle.

Here's the deal. Think like an NHL coach for a moment. You have 21 players on your bench, and you have 60 minutes of ice time to divide out between the players. Simple math. 60 MINUTES x 5 Players on the ice = 300 PLAYER MINUTES. Now your star player will get say, 35 minutes, and so do both his line mates for a total of 105 PLAYER MINUTES. Now assume the rest of the players on your bench are all the same caliber, so there are 195 PLAYER MINUTES remaining divided by the remaining 18 PLAYERS = 10.83 PLAYER MINUTES that the rest of your roster now receive.

WHAT THE HELL is Johnston talking about? NHL PLAYERS and ICE TIME? I thought we were talking about Shrek The Third?? Allow me to clear up the confusion. Take 92 minutes of running time, along with the 300 characters that were crammed into this flick, and apply the same formula. 92 MOVIE MINUTES Divided By 300 CHARACTERS = 30 seconds per character. In that time you must get a camera pan shot of the character's face, and lend them an opportunity to say something funny (or in this case something rather unfunny), and then have Shrek issue some kind of counter-statement. Here's the problem: Director Chris Miller forgot to give our heroes the same 33% MOVIE TIME that our NHL heroes get in the way of PLAYER TIME. Kidding aside, Shrek gets almost no screen time, and Fiona even less.

Think now to the movie 300. Sure it was about 300 Spartan's, but the heroes captured MOST of the screen time, as the other 295 guys were just scenery. We loved our heroes in that flick as we really got to know them. How can Frank Miller do something so right, and Dreamworks do something so wrong???

In a theatre full of kids, the only laughs coming from the adolescent crowd happened nanoseconds after someone on screen belched. The kids in there found nothing else funny, and nor did I.

Shrek really didn't need to be in this movie. Too bad considering his name is in the title. The bad guy gets all the screen time, and he is EXTREMELY unfunny. To give you a comparison and to make my point, let's make another Superman movie and this time Metallo as the villain of choice. Now then, we'll watch Superman take a shower and have a bagel (no crème cheese) for about 6 minutes. Just as he puts his not-so-masculine and far-too-tight costume on, the scene will cut to Metallo receiving an oil change and 4 new lug nuts in his left ankle at Joe's Garage across town. This scene will last for roughly 82 minutes (it's a very thorough oil change), and the whole while Metallo will be heard complaining about not being the mayor of Metropolis. For kicks at the end, he'll fire a missile in the air, which Superman will catch, hand back to Metallo and then share his bagel with him, just as Jimmy Olsen delivers a speech for 2 minutes on getting along and playing nice. For some odd reason, all the citizens of Metropolis will cheer at Jimmy's speech. The last two minutes will be closing credits while people run out of the theatre.

Sounds stupid doesn't it? I think so too, and that is pretty much how pointless Shrek The Third is. Fortunately I bought the movie ticket with my Visa card and I am having the charge reversed, because Dreamworks should pay me for my time, my fuel, and a new pair of socks, as I vomited all over my last good pair after the 12th minute. Sorry to the underpaid theatre staff that have to clean it up, but don't worry, the pink stuff is only strawberry licorice.

Shrek The Third scores a NEGATIVE 3 on Kev-O-Meter!

Starring: Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Rupert Everett,     Eric Idle, Justin Timberlake. Directed By: WHO CARES?????