Date: 7 MAR 1995 20:30:53 -0500 From: MMarkowitz Newgroups: alt.tv.duckmanSubject: Compuserve's "Ask Duckman" (LONG) Hello!  I thought you all might be interested in something Compuserve isdoing this week in its Entertainment Drive Forum.  They're takingquestions for Duckman, and Duckman is posting his answers.  It's allleading up to an on-line conference with the producers of the show onThursday.Anyway, I got permission from the CIS folks to provide the Q and A' tothis group and (if Joe and Arnoud want) to the Web pages.  Let me know ifyou want me to keep posting 'em.Mike------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------##Dear DUCKMAN.....	What do you think of this whole cyber-experience thing?  Nobodycan stare at you  -- at least that's pretty kewl, yes?			James Zanewicz##Dear Mr. Zannoo...Mr. Zaming...Mr. Zeldma...Jim,When it comes to the Information Hershey Highway, or whatever it's called,I'm kinda green.  I always thought of computers as something used toprocess bad grades and bench warrants.  And the Internet?  I thought itwas that new kind of support-hose you slip dollar bills into at the ChichoMundy's Tick-Tock Lap Dance Palace and Canola Mart.Besides, they kept saying you could use it to access libraries anduniversities all over the world.  Who the hell wants to do that?!  I don'tgo to the library around the corner!  And as far as universities areconcerned, I haven't set webbed foot in one since I was thrown out ofBelgren State College as a result of an incident involving an unfortunatepanties-firecrackers-manure-and-trusses prank.But then I found out about what the Internet is *really* all about!  Freepornographic pictures...and lots of 'em!!  The opportunity to carry ondiscussions with people all over the world about which TV stars are gayand which ones had breast implants...and which fall into both categories!! (Speaking of which, I am now legally barred from coming within 100 yardsof Kenny Rogers, but that's a whole other topic.)And as if that weren't enough, the chance to have computer sex with womenwhile trying to pretend they're not really just men with Quantum LeapSliderule Cozies *pretending* to be women!??!!(Sniff, sniff)  I'm home at last.Yours until you say I'm not,DMP.S.  You spelled "prety" wrong.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------##Dear Duckman,##Thought I'd let you know that you have gone international##now.  23:45 on Friday night on BBC2 your on. (I think about##3 or maybe 4 people watch the show at the moment but I am##spreading the word)##Just wanna know if your ever gonna come over to England##so that we can see your skills in person.  Don't worry##about bringing over Cornfed, he's not the REAL STAR.##Regards##Richard A. Wray##(Even thought of giving Fluffy and Uranus tickets to an##english soccer game, I'm sure it would be fun to watch)Richard,Fluffy and Uranus are still upset about our recent game of cricket.  Well,strictly speaking it wasn't cricket.  I just chased them around the officefor two days with a flamethrower and a pair of rusty pliers, but I waswearing knickers!Thanks for the invite!  I was in England once dealing with some legalmatters (some extradition flap over a ferret-vivisection mishap) and wasconcerned, since my previous overseas experience (I had the crap beat outof me in a nudie bar on Staten Island) was less than ideal.   I have toadmit, I was disappointed.  Not only could I not find a single EnglishMuffin anywhere, but I was, I feel, the victim of a grossmisunderstanding.See, I once turned on CSPAN...Well, OK, I didn't quite "turn it on," it'sjust that my illegal cable hookup went on the fritz and it came on bymistake) and saw all the members of Parliament Funkadelic or the House ofUsher or whatever it's called, and they were yelling at the PrimeMinister!  I naturally assumed this was something you could do all thetime, so when I arrived in London I headed over to 10 Downing Street andtossed some of my best Grade-A zingers...y'know some lend lease jokes, acouple of Falkland hunks... Well, I was "asked" to please put leaving thecountry on my "shedyule"...But I hold no malice toward England's green and pleasant land!  Ah, when Idream of summers at Flightiz-On-Thyme, winters at Corning-On-Cob, andsprings at the Slinky Museum in Birmingham.  Why even today, out ofnostalgia for my English sojourn, I still occasionally eat out of arolled-up newspaper.  (I find Manwich-and-Boston-Globe to be my favorite.)Keep watching, and thanks for Peter Noone and Roddy McDowall.  We use themall the time!Yours, mine and ours,DM----------------------------------------------------------------------------------##Thanks for the reply Duckman.  Am I the first English contact?Strictly speaking, no.  Once, backstage after an ELO concert, I  got amasterful creme de menthe swirl job from one of the girls travelling withthe band.  You are, however, the first English contact after which I didnot need antibiotics.##Thanks for using Roddy McDowell and Peter Noone##but we never did manage to find a use for PeeWee Herman.Listen up, Nigel, I'll take Pee Wee over Benny Hill and Frankie Howerd anyday.  One more remark like that and I'll tear you a new Chunnel.  Youpeoplehaven't had a good idea since the Magna Charta, with the possibleexceptionof the Page Three Girls.##PS   The only legal way to do any kind of English Muffin##is in your own home, (tried it in public once and now doing##2 hours community service every week for the next six months)You should try the French Lick, the Maine Lobster, the Swiss Miss and theSpanish Fly...Hommina hommina how wah!##Best wishes from The First True English DuckMan Fan!!!!!!And best wishes back at ya.  My best to all the English.  Make yourselvesathome: Sell something to an Arab.Frightfully yours,DM---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------##Why the son with the two heads?I don't have a son with two heads, Buster Brown.  I have two sons with onebody.Yours cruelly,DM----------------------------------------------------------------------------------##Dear Duckman:## What do you think of your creator, Everett Peck? Does he##annoy you? Does it annoy you that you started out in a comic##book? Do you deny your roots? Spit it out, Duckman, spit it##out!  What do I win?##Chris Crosby, SCCDear Chris,(My mother's maiden name was SCC!)What you win is the honor of getting a personal note from a major TVstar...well, okay, a minorTV star...er, all right, someone on USA.  That's not important!!  What youalso win is a"Sandwich du Knuckles" if you mention Everett Peck again!As it happens you bring up a sore point, and not in the same way that thesight of ClaudiaSchiffer brings up a sore point.  This Peck character is a drek-drawing R.Crumb bum, an illillustrator, a queer quill-swinger, an El Marko de Sade...in short, agenuine, grade-A no-goodnikof the panel-filler set.  If they made a movie of his life, it'd be somepsycho-cartoonist flick,maybe "The Hand That Rocks The Nib."This Charles Schultz wannabe, who isn't fit to shine my webs, actuallyclaims to have *created*me, when it should be perfectly clear that is was a benificent God who didthat particular publicworks project.All Peck has done is profit mightily off of my good name...This isespecially annoying since Ihave never been able to make a dime off of said name.  (The only realmoney I ever made wasunder the name of Hector Ruiz back in '85-'86, those dizzy, heady, anything-goes heydays ofexpansion league cockfighting.)Peck only manages to avoid a lawsuit because of his ever-changing addressand Social Securitynumber, as well as his deep pockets (pockets, by the way, into which hishands are alwayssuspiciously thrust and active; this guy's schnuts get jiggled and jostledmore than Lainie Kazanin spaghetti straps!)But, hey, I shouldn't take it out on you.  You just got me upset, firstmentioning Peck, and thensaying "Spit it out, spit it out."  It happens that phrase brings up badmemories, since...oh, wait,there are kids on Compuserve, aren't there?  Umm...Never mindKeep on truckin,DM----------------------------------------------------------------------------------##Date:  March 4th, 1995##To:   Sir Duckman##Re:  A SocioCultural Issue in the form of a Rant, which is   what you like. ##From Who?:  Percival Bear (polar bear)##Hint:  Ignore the man in the above "From" column.  I do   not speak for him.##Dear Sir Duckman,##Let me introduce myself.  I am Percival Bear.  I watch and watch andwatch your show.  Ihave done this three times.  Anyway, I am under the impression that thiswonderfully benign yetrancid kick-in-the-nuts show lacks one essential element--it lacks theappearance of Bears.There are no Bears there.  This should concern you, for I am a Bear, andyou are a Duck.  I,Percival Bear, would probably just argue with you, but my Bear Buddieswill roast you over aHibachi to have Duck Burgers.  I am trying to protect you from furtherharm.  Get that depressedP.I. Pig away from me!##I see you, a Duck named Duckman, a pig-sidekick whose name I do notknow, nor your uglywife and kids and others whose names I do not care to know anyway.  Whereare your Bears?  Icannot play along with my other Bear Buddies, who now hate you with alltheir Bear might, TheSpecial Game, as we're watching the tube when it's screaming DUCKMAN allover the livingroom.##"Hey...Where's the Bear?"  "....Over there!"  (pointing at TV screen)##You know this game! (We have played this game since the very first BearUrsus Neanderthalhad to find something more to do than eat and take a dump in a big holethat smells.)  Us Bearsdo "Where's the Bear" over and over and over again because we only knowhow to do just this,since we are trying to Civilize Ourselves, and keep us from drinking TooMuch Beer.  Us Bearshave seen your show three times.  We intend to see more.##This lack of Bear Exposure is really getting on our nerves.  This isprobably due to the fact thatall the other Animals think Bears are Filled With The Poo, and that we areexpected to eat nutsand honey and berries like some Boo Boo Bear Wuss, hibernate in caves asif we were on L-Dopa, and growl like Idiots because Mr. Hunter is gonna f&%# with usagain.  Worst of all, weBears look soooo cute when we knock down a pine tree, pounce on BearGirlfriend from thebehind, and jiggle ourselves silly as an apertif!  This is not right!  Weneed more Bears!##There are no Bears upon thy screen of thus DUCKMAN show.  I have said itagain. Now I amfully aware that other animals want their BullPoo on the screen too, forpossibly very goodreasons, most likely to create more Game Versions of "Where's The Bear." Such as, "Where'sthe Whale?"  "Where's the Monitor Lizard?"  "Where's The Lice?"   Where'sthis, where's that.Screw their Poo!##There are no Bears!  I am not an Ethnocentric Bear!  I am just saying,WE NEED MOREBEARS!##Now Bears are good for many things.  There can be Bear Cops.  There canbe Very Bad BearCops.  There can be Bear Criminals That Confess To Bear Talk Shows FromJail.  Bear Doctors,Bear Lawyers, Bear Fashion Designers, Bear Car Manufacturers, BearNuclear-Bomb Errors,Bears Everywhere!  The world can be filled with Bear!  It can and will bedone!##Now I, Percival Bear, a Bear with Polar Bear Tendencies, respect you,Sir Duckman, very verydeeply.  I bow to you, humbly.  I bow to you again, humbly.  Once more, Ishall bow to you.  See,I have manners!##Anyway, I like your show very much.  I am only a Simple Polar Bear withno desire to be Pooto everyone.  This is a Hard World, and not all things work out, and Inever ask for theimpossible, because frankly, I Do Not Care, I Am A Bear.  I just want tosee More Bears, that'sall.  I don't even care if you DON'T do it. (Some animals are Poo enoughto Care Too Much, lookwhere it gets them.  They end up in a smelly hole in the woods where theportable toilets used tobe.  All I want to see are more Bears.  Circus Bears are fine too.)##Now I also request to you, Sir Duckman Of Grand Unknown Talents That IDo Not See (well, Iknow you have a family of Sir Duckmans; that's one up on me, a Bearlooking for a BearGirlfriend) that you forget this letter promptly, and that you do not putthis in a library or archive ormuseum, for this will put Percival Bear in Deep Poo again, and I do notwant Mr. Hunter comingto my house.##This letter is an illusion that can only be seen with the use ofhallucinogens.  In other words,shake off that Etch-A-Sketch, this is what as known as a dream.  Now hereis a soft Bear Hug,go to sleep, go to sleep.  (I did like that time you had an Etch-a-SketchDream.  Those are thebest dreams to have.  I think.  I dunno.  My last acid trip wasn't worthit.)##Sincerely,Percival Bear##Uh...heh heh...Security?